Friday, November 17, 2006


Someone said something today, and I overreacted. Really rather badly. Badly enough to cry over it for more than half an hour, when what I should have been doing was writing a conclusion for my paper. But it got to me so bad that I couldn't, and wouldn't stop crying. That which was said, I know it wasn't said to be mean, it was said probably casually, without much thought to it, without any implications whatsoever. And the interpretation and assumption of implications was all mine. It rankled, and made me angry, and I raged and cried. I wrote a very angry email in response. And a rather nasty and ungrateful one. I have been very stressed of late, and it was a vulnerable moment when I heard that, and reacted without consideration for the other person's feelings. That is not an excuse for what I did, but it is an attempt at an explanation, rationalisation. With the perspective of being a few hours away from it, I realise that I was venting something that has been niggling at me, building up for a while now. There are some things in my life that I am rather serious about, and I cannot bear to be condescended to when it comes to them. It's my fault, I suppose, for having conveyed an impression so far of not really caring, but I do care. And I do not like or appreciate those things being brushed aside or shrugged off. But I could and should have been more mature about it.
The end of my paper and my presentation suffered because of the way that I've been feeling since that particular conversation. I'm rather cheesed off and annoyed with myself for allowing it get to me this badly.
I want to apologise, to make amends - I wish that I could. But deep down inside me, I have to admit, I'm still very hurt. Very very hurt.