Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Fear of Nothingness

That's one that came up for discussion in Poe class today. I might just be a victim. Not as much fear as aversion, though.
It's been an entire day of nothingness. I had a nearly four hours break between my two classes today, and I in that time, I did nothing. Nothing at all. I played and won two whole games of carrom, and spoke to a few odd people, and curled up on a bench in a nearly empty classroom and slept for ten minutes - but nothing really happened. Nothing that stimulated me, nothing that occupied me, nothing that involved me in the slightest. I can feel myself vegetating. Turning into a inactive motionless moron, devoid of thought, engagement, conversation. I am bored. But worse yet, I feel boring. Completely incapable of feeling the slightest bit of interest or enthusiasm or joy in anything. Nothing at all.
I am listless, and my mind is wandering in a state of utter blankness. It is rather terrifying. And intolerable. I hate it.
Total inaction. Total uninvolvement.
I don't think I can take this much longer.

Old. Old. I feel so old.